Detoxing Negative People Around You, It's Their Problem Not You

"Don't bother hypocrites or judgemental people who criticize you and put you down. They are too shallow to recognize their own weaknesses. It's easier for them to try to make others feel bad than to look in the mirror at their own pathetic behaviors"

Anonymous

I have been dealing with so many people who always look happier to take care of other people's business. And it happens often in my life. I don't even know why they should be like that, I mean, is it because they didn't have any works to do or they have so much spare times everyday of their life? So they prefer to put their "nose" in someone else's?! Well, I don't really know and most of the time I would say its none of my business.

I know I am not perfect. At all. I do sins. Sometimes I loved to gossiping with my friends, make some jokes, and sometimes feel jealous with some people which better than me. But I know we have our own fate. We have different life and fortune with others. And we should be grateful for what we have till now.

Long time ago, I always experienced a moment when people feel so jealous of what I had. Sometimes the case will be very simple, for example;

Case A

I had two new girl friends that I just knew for some days. Let's we call them with initials A and Z. The A is someone who spent so much time with me, than Z. We get along, I'm closer to the A, till Z feel A changed since she knew me. Then Z was thinking and easily made a conclusion that I intentionally seize the A from her. Despite in fact, the A is more netral, she felt comfortable to have such a friend like me, and actually she never forget about Z. Unfortunately, Z is already felt upset and angry, she made up false stories with intention to demonize me to other friends.

Yes, she was really bad at that time.

I just watched her and controlled myself from any emotional feeling.

Even, I was thinking to do revenge for her, but then, I know it will not solve the problem.

And I will just wasted my time.

You know what? After that, everyone could see and judge which true or false. People are not stupid at all. They can see and feel which one who brought good or bad impact for them.

At the end, she just embarrassed herself.

*

Case B

I have been in relationship with someone who I never expected before. I even didn't know that some of my friends was also like this guy, let's we called Y. As the time goes by, me and Y was closed to each other. He was really nice, smart, funny, and very polite. We often met in other occassions, and surprisingly, he said that he loved me. I was really shocked, cause I don't think he will said it to me. Then, we ended up had relationship, but no one knew about it. We kept it as a secret, till I know from one of my friends, that one of them, let's we called X, was really like Y couple months ago, even before I met him. And he knew it, but he never told to me. I felt so uncomfortable, cause in the other hand, X is my friend. The problem is, he made me very comfort with him, he always tried to make me feel better, even I told him, I wanna break-up with him, just because of my friend. I really don't wanna hurt anyone.

This is an awkward moment.

Till, X found out about us! And she was really angry and hate me, cause she thought I did it on purpose to make her sad or feel bad. Seriously, I am not that kind of friend. Because of that, our friendship was changed. She and some of her friends didn't want to talk with me. I feel really bad, I even ended up, angry with Y and didn't want to talked with him at that time. But he tried to kept me all over again, he tried to make me calm. But, X end up to slandered me, so that, people hate me because of some things that I never did.

*

Since I was a child, I'd love to make so many friends, without exception. But often, I will only keep and maintaining some people which I already knew for too long, people that I already know inside and outside, and if I feel very comfortable with them, till I feel, God has intentionally give me new family members through them.

Time was running so fast, I growing up now. I experienced similar cases and I just realized, life will always be like that. There are some people who like or don't like you, love you or hate you. If there are some people who hate you for no reason or even they didn't know and never met you, but they had dared to judge you just because of someone else's stories (which it can be not true), It has nothing to do with you, it is their problem. There is something wrong with their mind and hearts.

People who criticize and put others down are judgmental and hypocrites. People who try to point out your flaws or weaknesses in a very negative way are insecure and they put others down to lift themselves up and feel better. The things they criticize you for, are really their own weaknesses. They "mirror" or project their own insecurities onto others. Confident people don't go around trying to hurt others, they lift them up.

What we should do then?

Negative people will always be like that. I could say, we can just leave them and understanding their habits which always judging people and felt they always true and the most sacred people in the world.

A more practical approach to dealing with them is to start by understanding the reasons for their negativity. In brief, almost all negativity has its roots in one of three deep-seated fears: the fear of being disrespected by others, the fear of not being loved by others, and the fear that “bad things” are going to happen. These fears feed off each other to fuel the belief that “the world is a dangerous place and people are generally mean.”

...

At first blush, it might seem paradoxical that negative people can simultaneously feel diffident about themselves and feel entitled to others’ respect and love. Similarly, it may seem paradoxical that negative people feel pessimistic about their own future and yet goad others to succeed. But of course, there’s no paradox here. It’s precisely because negative people don’t feel respected and loved enough, and don’t feel sufficiently in control of their own life that they demand others’ respect and love, and seek to control others.

A straightforward, but ultimately unproductive way of helping negative people is to give them the respect, love, and control they crave. However, this could be a slippery slope since people adapt to the new levels of respect, love, and control they get and thus, you may find yourself in the position of having to provide increasing levels of respect, love and control to keep the negative people happy. An alternative solution is to get the negative people to see the sources of their negativity and make them realize that their negativity has more to do with their attitude than with the objective state of the world.

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Most tenable option for dealing with negative people. In a nutshell, this option involves three elements: compassion for the negative person, taking responsibility for your own happiness despite the other person’s negativity, and maturity in how you interact with the negative person. The compassionate element involves rarely—if ever—advising the negative person about changing their behavior. It also involves never lecturing or preaching to them about the sources of their negativity. As already mentioned, most of us are not good at taking negative and critical feedback and negative people are particularly averse to such feedback. Now, it may be difficult for you to not react in some way to the negative person, especially if their negativity is getting to you. However, remember that “getting it off your chest” is only going to escalate the problem and is not going to fix it. It may help to remember that, while you have to deal with the negative person for only some time, they have to deal with themselves all the time!

The second element—of taking personal responsibility for your own positivity—involves doing what it takes to protect your own happiness. If you cannot maintain your positivity and composure, then all is lost. In a nutshell, it involves adopting a set of more positive attitudes, but that alone may not be enough to deal with a constant onslaught of negativity; you may have to take time away from the negative person on a regular basis to maintain your composure.The final element—of being mature—involves understanding that the most reliable way to steer the negative person towards positivity is to manifest the positivity yourself. For instance, blaming the negative person for making you feel negative is not going to help; indeed, it would be particularly ironic if you advised the negative person to “stop blaming others for your negativity” if you are blaming them for bringing your mood down!

But, how exactly do you manifest positive attitudes that you want the negative person to exhibit without crossing over into being preachy or judgmental?

The trick is to act, as far as possible, like a person who is fully secure. That is, act like someone who is respected and loved by others, and in control of the important aspects of their life. This means: do not let the other’s negativity curtail your natural inclination to pursue your dreams, take healthy risks, and trust others. However, do not take such actions to spite the negative person or to prove a point; rather, tap into the space of authenticity from which it seems natural to behave in a spontaneous, positive, and trusting manner. Then, when the negative person makes the skeptical or cynical comment—as he or she inevitably will—take the time to explain why you chose to act as you did.

As you may have realized by now, dealing with negative people also takes humility. The fact that you find it difficult to deal with others’ negativity suggests that there is a seed of negativity in you. If you didn’t feel constricted or deflated by others’ negativity—if you were fully secure in how you view yourself—you wouldn’t find the company of negative people to be aversive.

Realizing that you have to work on fixing your own negativity even as you are helping another person deal with their negativity will help you gain the compassion, positivity, and maturity that is needed for this tricky, but ultimately satisfying, endeavor.

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Here are 5 strategies to take back your power and reduce the detrimental impact negative people have in your life:

1. Guard Your Time

Negative people can monopolize your time—even when they're not with you—if you're not careful. It's easy to spend two hours dreading a one-hour visit with such a person. Combine that with two hours venting to your partner afterward, and you've just given that person five precious hours of your time.

Don't allow negative people to steal your time and energy. Rather than complain about people you don't enjoy, strike up conversations about pleasurable topics. Similarly, instead of spending your commute thinking about how much you dislike a person you have to work with, turn on the radio and listen to music that reduces your stress. Take back your power by limiting the amount of time you spend talking about, thinking about, and worrying about unpleasant people.

2. Choose Your Attitude

Spending time with negative people can be the fastest way to ruin a good mood. Their pessimistic outlook and gloomy attitude can decrease our motivation and change the way we feel. But allowing a negative person to dictate your emotions gives them too much power. Make a conscious effort to choose your attitude. Create a mantra, such as, "I'm going to stay positive today despite the people around me," and repeat it often to help you stay on track. Take a deep breath and decide that you're going to make it a great day, despite what others say or do.

3. Refocus Your Thoughts

Negative people often influence what we think about. Perhaps you're so distracted by your colleague's know-it-all attitude that you can't contribute productively to a meeting. Or, rather than think about how to improve your performance, you spend more time thinking about how upset you'll be if that unpleasant co-worker gets a promotion. Pay attention to how your thoughts change when you're faced with negative people. The more time you spend dreading, fretting, worrying, and rehashing, the less time you'll have to devote to more productive things. Make a conscious effort to reduce the amount of mental energy you expend on negative people.

4. Choose to Behave Productively

Negative people can bring out the worst in us if we're not careful. Sometimes certain pessimists seem to have the power to raise our blood pressure, for one reason or another. A normally calm, mild-mannered person may resort to yelling when he can't take one more second of negativity. Or, after being surrounded by negative co-workers for hours, an optimist may find herself convincing others that the company's future is doomed. Although it can be tempting to say, "She makes me so mad," blaming others for your conduct gives them more power. When you act in a manner that isn't consistent with your usual behavior, accept responsibility for it. Commit to controlling your emotional reactivity and staying true to your values, despite the circumstances.

5. Seek Out Positive People

It's difficult to look on the bright side when you're surrounded by negativity. Seek out positive people to keep you balanced. Just like negative people can rub off on you, a positive person can brighten your spirit.

So, if you thinking that they didn't like you, it's not your problem, at all. It might be they have problems with their life, which is very boring or they didn't know how to enjoy their life, like you do. There always comes a point when you have to realize that you'll never be good enough for some people.

I just want to remember for those people who didn't like me, I am perfectly fine with that. I don't wake up every single day just to impress judgemental hypocrites like you. You know what "life" is? Please, go get one. I think you need one!

Source:

Psychology Today 1 | Psychology Today 2 |

#thoughts #relationship #psychology